I remember back when my marriage broke down, I felt so ASHAMED, so GUILTY, so DIRTY, so ANGRY and so LOST, I couldn't look anyone in the eye when I told them that my partner had cheated on me and had left me. I felt like they were looking down their noses at me that I hadn't managed to satisfy my husband and that I wasn't good enough to fight for. I felt sick.
Everyday was a struggle to stand up tall and be counted. I slid into my yoga class hoping no-one would spot me. I stayed at my desk at work so I didn't have to talk to anyone about what was going on. Any and everything started the waterworks. I felt unsure, unsafe and all alone. As crappy as my marriage was at least I wasn't alone I thought.
As I struggled to know what to do for the best, go out, (my first adventure into social circles didn't go well, I managed an hour before making my excuses and leaving),stay in (this didn't work either as everything I tried to watch on tv reminded me of him) I became a shadow of my former self, losing 2 stone in weight and being more anxious than ever.
At some point, I can't remember when, it became clear that unless I pulled my socks up nothing was going to change. So I asked my yoga teacher for help and she pointed me to a meditation group. I reconnected with my reiki healing. I read every single blog on divorce and spirituality and how to get through the rough days I could, until slowly, piece by piece I began to feel more human. Not like the old me. I'd never be the old me again. In fact I didn't want to. I wanted to create a life based on my terms. I yearned to know what I loved, what would make me happy. In the midst of dedicating my life to my marriage I had completely lost sight of who I was, so I made it my mission to build me up, from the ground below to the stars above.
Month after month, I grew stronger, more confident, more at peace in my skin and in my mind until I began to love myself again. I gave myself permission to laugh (that was the strangest sound to my ears when it happened, I thought it was someone else it hadn't happened in so long!), I gave myself permission to live, to love and be loved and I can honestly say I haven't looked back since.
If you are a woman going through a break up or in the haze of post divorce and you are still struggling, I understand your pain. I understand the what ifs, the self doubt and the loneliness. If you're ready to explore what life could be like on the other side, send me an email, I'd love to hear from you.
Much love, Kitti ❤️