Remember How Far You've Come

I was thinking today back to a few years ago when my anxiety was at its worst. I was in the bathroom doing my morning ritual, getting ready for the day when a memory popped into my head of how much longer it used to take me to get ready. Just getting to work was a feat in itself. My anxiety can manifest as OCD at its worst, I couldn’t do anything without washing my hands first. I’d shower and get dried and then have to wash my hands to moisturise my face. I’d wash them between everything. I’d wash them after blowing my nose. Far from helping myself in an attempt to control at least something in my life I was making things worse. My hands were red and raw from all the washing but not only that, I was feeding my fear. I was feeding the anxiety, allowing it to rule my life instead of putting myself first, instead of asking for help to get to the cause of the issue.

I knew in my head that it didn't make any sense, that there was no need for the constant washing or the constant checking but I thought if I didn't do it everything would fall apart. Trouble was, everything had fallen apart already, I was just unwilling to admit it.

Ten years later and life is very different. I wash my hands like any regular person. I can leave the house without checking the door 3 times. I've got my life back and all because I took control. I allowed myself to surrender. I let myself be open and asked for help. I was willing to look at the shadows within and do what it took to let the light in again.

Sometimes we have to reach rock bottom to learn how to live again. The cracks in our lives are where the light gets in and sometimes we have to remember just how far we've come.

In the shadows with you,

Kitti xxx

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